Historic El Camino de Santiago – Hike with Heart

Historic El Camino de Santiago, The Way of St James

Last year, my cousin decided to follow a hiking pilgrimage. Her trek was the first time I learned of the El Camino de Santiago.   Historically, it is a pilgrimage that normally takes a couple hundred days to complete, depending on which of the multiple paths you take and how fast you walk. 

The paths wind through multiple countries and all end at the shrine of the Apostle Saint James the Greater in the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela in Galicia of northwestern Spain.  The popularity of the Camino exploded in recent years, with 277,913 certificates of completion in 2016 alone.  This is up from a mere hundred or two 35 years ago.

Although the El Camino is a solemn activity, one of the cute things about it is that once you reach the Cathederal, in addition to the certificate, you can get a free bowl of soup from any local restaurant.  All it takes is walking 500 miles and 7+ weeks of your time.

The reason this hit me as a meaningful blog post is because my cousin just completed the trek for the second time.  Her blog of the 12 week journey; she shared with a handful of friends and relatives.

On her last post, she wrote these two sentences … everyday of the hike, I dedicated to one of you.  I thought of you the whole day and sent wishes for your happiness.

This floored me.  What grace and kindness.

This cousin has a heart of gold.  She doesn’t follow a traditional religion.  She follows her heart.

When I asked her last year why embark on this journey, she said to get the cobwebs out of my head.  The second time is because the cobwebs are out and she didn’t want to give them a path back in.  How can you not love that?

As you read, you’ll see I really got into this.  It is fascinating to me.  When religious themes can be confirmed by relics, it turns faith to facts.

Who is St James of El Camino

The Bible only makes one reference to James and his brother John as the Sons of Thunder. However, no reason is given. Upon reading other passages of the New Testament, it appears the brothers are passionate and willing to fight for the group when fairness is challenged. This is the best guess of how the names are derived. 

Santiago, Spanish for Saint James, also known as James the Greater, is one of Jesus’ first Apostles.  Jesus nickname for him is the Son of Thunder. 

He became a martyr upon his death from beheading by King Herod Agrippa I in the year 44AD.

St James the Greater representation in Christian Art is in the garb of a pilgrim, with staff, gourd, and scallop shell. St James is often also depicted riding a white horse into battle. 

The quick reason he is so revered is because he traveled far and wide into Spain and fought in wars to proclaim the teachings of Christ as well as to protect believers and people of Spain.

Once it was confirmed his remains were there, pilgrims began coming to pay homage.  First in a trickle, then in the 11 th and 12th centuries 250,00 pilgrims a year paid there tributes.  Then the challenges of the following times, made the route less accessible.

This pilgrimage is one of the oldest and one that has been active for nearly 2000 years.

The Long Version

James was the son of Zebedee and was known as the ‘Greater’ as he was taller than the other apostle named James. James the Greater is thought to be a cousin of Jesus, by the sister of the Virgin Mary, and the brother of St Jude Thaddeus.

He worked as a fisherman with his brother John, his father Zebedee and his partner Simon. John and James were followers of John the Baptist and then Jesus.

James, along with his brother John, left his life as a fisherman when Jesus called him to be a fisher of men. Jesus chose James the Greater to be one of the 12 apostles and was given the mission to spread the gospel.

St James in BattleSt James is also the great military patron of Spain.  His mission to defend the Christian Church against invaders was however reserved until after his death. During the celebrated battle of Clavijo, he suddenly appeared on a milk-white charger, waving aloft a white standard, and leading the Christians to victory. This manifestation was in response to the soldiers’ invocation of his name, “Sant lago!” as the battle-cry of that day. Hence, the name of the ancient city (Santiago) which contains the cathedral founded in his honour.

St James is also believed to have helped the Christians defeat the Moors in Spain – yet another reason he’s their patron saint.

After his pilgrimage to the Iberian Peninsula to spread the word of Jesus, he returned to Judea.  There he was beheaded by King Herod Agrippa I in the year 44AD.

This is detailed in the Bible in Acts 12 of the New Testament. “King Herod extended his hands to harm certain ones from the church.  He killed James the brother of John with the sword. Seeing that it pleased the Jews, he proceeded further to arrest Peter also”. 

How St. James Relics Made it to Northern Spain

Although there is some dispute, there is one popular version of his devotions.

Successfully winning over a handful of disciples in Spain. According to the legend, two of these converts accompanied him on his return to Jerusalem in 44 AD.

Upon his return to Palestine and beheading by King Herod Agrippa, Herod would not allow James’ body to be buried so his disciples stole the corpse and escaped in a boat.

Having no rudder, they were at the mercy of the ocean. The tiny boat and its occupants made it safely to Galicia. They came ashore in a place now called Padrón, named after the rock that supposedly enclosed the remains of the Apostle James.

The Celtic Queen Lupia ruled the lands, and when asked by James’ followers if they could bury his body she refused and sent troops after them. While chasing the followers of James, with his body, across a bridge it collapsed, killing her troops.

This devastating event inspired Queen Lupia to convert to Christianity as she saw it as God’s way of disapproving her actions. 

She then provided an ox and cart for the followers of James to transport the body. Unsure of where to have James’ last resting places his followers prayed on this and decided to let the ox continue until it choose a place to rest. After pausing at a stream, the ox finally came to rest under an oak tree at the top of a hill and it’s here that the Cathedral of Santiago stands today.

St. James’ relics remained protected yet forgotten until the 9th century. So the story goes, in 813, a hermit heard music in a forest and saw a shining light above and somehow connected this to Saint James. News of this revelation reached the then leader of the church, Bishop Teodomiro, who ordered an investigation that led to the discovery of the Apostle’s relics.

Spain’s king, Alfonso II, declared Saint James the patron of his empire and had a chapel built at the site. The place became known as Campus Stellae, meaning ‘field of the star’, a name that later morphed into Compostela, hence Santiago de Compostela, which translates as Saint James of the Field of Stars. The chapel eventually became a grand cathedral.

Since his contributions to the spread of Christianity and the protections he provided to the people of Spain, his actions are revered.

News of the discovery of St. James’ relics spread far and wide, attracting pilgrims from all over the world to Santiago de Compostela. As more and more people followed in each others’ footsteps, certain routes were established and became known as the Camino de Santiago. They are also referred to as the Way of Saint James.

El Camino Per Wikipedia

The Way of St. James was one of the most important Christian pilgrimages during the Middle Ages making it a pilgrimage route on which a plenary indulgence could be earned.

Traditionally, as with most pilgrimages, the Way of Saint James began at one’s home and ended at the pilgrimage site.

However, a few of the routes are considered main ones. During the Middle Ages, the route was highly travelled.   The Black Death, the Protestant Reformation, and political unrest in 16th century Europe led to its decline.

The main pilgrimage route to Santiago pre-dates Christianity and was an early Roman trade route, which continues to the Atlantic coast of Galicia, ending at Cape Finisterre.

The Romans called it Finisterrae (literally the end of the world).  At night, the Milky Way overhead seems to point the way, so the route acquired the nickname “Voie lactée” – the Milky Way in French.[7]

In October 1987, the route was declared the first European Cultural Route by the Council of Europe; it was also named one of UNESCO‘s World Heritage Sites. Since the 1980s the route has attracted a growing number of modern-day international pilgrims.

The implications and importance of this site and pilgrimage is embedded in many historic events and spiritual journeys.

Why Else Do People Make the Pilgrimage El Camino de Santiago

The majority of this section comes from a website … Caminoways.com.

Yes, there are websites specific to this pilgrimage.

Caminoways.com’s research shows:

  1. That just 28% of walkers today do the Camino for religious or spiritual reasons… the original reason for the journey.    The trek is a unique experience and is known as a haven for self reflection.
  2. 17.8% of Camino walkers hit the trail to get away from their daily life and connect with nature and detox from digital habits.  Some of the natural sites and landscapes along the way are truly breathtaking. The Portuguese Coastal Way is loaded with pretty scenery.
  3. The most popular reason, from 28.2% of walkers, are people looking for a new challenge,  wanted to test themselves physically and mentally along the way. The start of The Camino Frances goes over the Pyrenees, so if you’re looking for a challenge this sure does it. The Camino is suitable for almost anyone and is as rewarding as it is challenging.
  4. 10.8% of people walk the trail specifically for health and exercise.  A walking holiday is a great way to kick start a healthy lifestyle.
  5. 4.6% of those surveyed complete the Camino to learn more about culture. They consider the El Camino a social experience and walk it for that reason.
  6. 1.8% of walkers like the diverse experiences along the route that helps you meet new people from around the world.  This is especially true for The Camino Frances which is the most popular Camino Route.
  7. 8.8% like it for other unspecified reasons.  Of course my curiosity makes this the one I want to know more about.

What Countries/Nationalities Most Walk El Camino

  • Spaniards account for 46.61% of the total number of pilgrims.
  • Italy (15.58%)
  • Germany  (13.81%)
  • USA (9.91%)
  • Portugal (8.62%)
  • France (5.77%)
  • Ireland (4.25%)
  • United Kingdom  (3.94%)
  • Korea (2.95%)

The Ages of All Pilgrims

27.16% Camino pilgrims were under 30 years old
55.12% were aged between 30 and 60 years old
17.72% were over 60 years old

El Camino Jubilee – Another Rewarding Event

Whenever St. James’s Day (25 July … the anniversary of his death) falls on a Sunday, the cathedral declares a Holy or Jubilee Year.  Today, the Jubilee is celebrated with concerts, art presentations, closed businesses and many religious ceremonies.
Depending on leap years, Holy Years occur in 5-, 6-, and 11-year intervals. The most recent were 1982, 1993, 1999, 2004, and 2010. The next will be 2021, 2027, and 2032.
The Puerta Santa (Holy Door), which gives access to the Cathedral from the Plaza de la Quintana is open on 31st December on the eve of each Holy Year, and walled up again a year later. 

As in the past, pilgrims reaching Santiago during a Holy Year, and fulfilling the conditions for it, are granted a plenary indulgence; and they are still years when particularly large numbers of pilgrims arrive.

The pilgrimage to Santiago has never ceased from the time of the discovery of St. James’s remains in 812 AD, though there have been years of fewer pilgrims, particularly during European wars. 

Local people respect the pilgrims and welcome them.  There is even a Monument of the Pilgrims, in Burgos which is along the El Camino route.

The Holy Door Significance

A Holy Door is, basically, the door of a Catholic temple that grants to the one who crosses it the plenary indulgence, that is, the absolution of all his sins.
To achieve this indulgence it is not enough simply with the physical act of crossing a door, but it is necessary that whoever does so also confess, communion, pray the Creed and pray for the Pope and for his intentions. Once this is done, the person is forgiven for all his sins, so he could enter heaven without having to go through purgatory first.

Symbols of El Camino

Scalllops

Image result for El Camino Scallop

St. James pilgrim accessories are the Shell of Saint James and Pilgrim’s hat

The scallop shell, often found on the shores in Galicia, has long been the symbol of the Camino de Santiago.

Image result for El Camino pilgrimage hat

When returning to their own countries, pilgrims displayed the scallop shell in their hats to show that they had carried out their pious intentions.

What Certificates are Available?

Among the certificates or recognitions you can get for completing the El Camino, the Compostela is the most desired. 

Compostelas: This certificate is provided to those who make the trek as well as can prove it was for a spiritual pilgrimage.  At the beginning of the journey, from any of the many routes is a site of declaration.  Here you register to state beginning of your trek and the reason you are walking it.

Per my cousin: In order to receive the compostela, all pilgrims must provide proof that they have walked, biked, or ridden a horse a minimum of 100km into the city of Santiago. Proof takes the form of a credential, a sort of passport booklet issued at the beginning of your Camino. At every hostel, church, bar, and/or fruit stand along the Camino, you can get your credential stamped and dated. You’re supposed to get at least one stamp per day to show where and when you made your pilgrimage. There’s no time limit. Some pilgrims complete their Caminos one or two weeks at a time over the course of several years. 
 
Once you reach Santiago, you show your stamped credential to the worker at the Pilgrim Office, who verifies that you covered at least the last 100 km, and they will issue you your compostela with your name in Latin. Meanwhile, for statistical purposes, you fill out a form with your age, nationality, occupation, the point of origin of your Camino, and the reason for your pilgrimage (religious, spiritual, or tourist).
Here’s a visual showing the stamps I received along the way):

A Certificado, to commemorate their having completed the Camino. can sometimes be granted to those who do not meet the strict requirements of the Compostela, for example, children around the age of 7 or younger who have accompanied their parents on pilgrimage.

The same 500 mile distance requirements for the Compostela apply to the Certificado. There is no charge for the Certificado.

The Certificate of Distance: In addition to the Compostela or the Certificado, many people opt for the Certificate of Distance. This document, in Spanish, will record your name, your starting point and date, the distance walked or cycled and your arrival date. There is a small charge for the Certificate of Distance.

The Certificate of Visit to the Tomb of St. James: If one arrives in Santiago without qualifying for the Compostela or the certificado, e.g., not satisfying the final 100 mile requirement, one can obtain for the Certificate of Visit to the Tomb of St. James. This can be requested at the office of the Confraternity of St. James in the Cathedral at the Praza da Quintana. There is a small charge for the Certificate of Visit.

Day-to-Day on El Camino

Before embarking on the El Camino, it’s highly recommended that you train both physically and mentally. Pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela has been going on for more than a millennium and during that time a strong tradition of support for peregrinos has developed. Through the Middle Ages this included hospices chartered and/or operated by kings and queens and religious orders. The tradition continues today in Spain in the form of albergues de peregrinos.

An albergue operates essentially like a youth hostel except that they exist for pilgrims. They provide basic overnight facilities. Most have dormitory-type sleeping arrangements, usually two-tiered bunks, and (sort of) communal bathing and toilet facilities. Well, private but perhaps in a common bathroom.

Some have a set price per night (typically 6 to 10 euros), others are donativo (donation). Some serve meals, some have cooking facilities available, some have neither. Most open in the early to mid-afternoon, require that you be on your way by 8:00 the next morning, and only allow one night’s stay.

Until very recently, albergues were usually operated by municipalities, regional governments, confraternities or religious organizations but in recent years the number of privately-owned albergues has increased rapidly. In Spain, reservations cannot be made ahead at municipal albergues, but reservations can often be made at privately operated ones. In order to stay at an albergue, a pilgrim must present an up-to-date credencial.

The End of El Camino

Once completing the Camino, pilgrims celebrate in different ways.  Many enjoy the city and its history, others continue hiking the area and many volunteer.  

Volunteering is what my cousin chose as her trip conclusion.  

Serving as a volunteer hospitalero is the ultimate way to give back to the Camino. Those who have gone on from walking or cycling the Camino to serving as an hospitalero say that this experience is if anything even more rewarding than the Camino itself. Generally speaking there is a requirement to have taken an hospitalero training course before serving. As one of its services in support of the Camino, American Pilgrims offers these  several times a year, one in conjunction with its Annual Gathering of Pilgrims

My Cousin’s Volunteer Experience

Upon completing the Camino, my cousin went through the prescribed training and was then given several choices of how to serve.  The choices were helping maintain pilgrims hospitality needs, educating pilgrims, maintaining the Cathedral or working in the office to maintain records and hand out certificates.  Working in the legal world for years, she chose and was accepted to do office work.

Oh, also, volunteers are given an apartment for the 2 weeks they work.  Hers she shared with one other person.

Ad mentioned above, she found the volunteering more rewarding than the walk itself.

One of the things she loved about her trek was all the people she met from around the world.  Together they shared life stories, equipment provided knowing they would never recover it and a comradery that can only be accomplished from sharing such a unique experience.

Her blog on this topic was her longest and most vivid.  Instead of describing the terrain, weather and her observations, she described the human experience.

The volunteers were asked to work 8 hours a day.  She and 2 or 3 of her fellow volunteers worked 16 to 18 hour days.  Whether working 8 hour days or 15, they all spoke different languages and with their common goal of giving back found ways to communicate and serve.

Summing it All Up

Finding new experiences that express your interests and heart are among the most rewarding.

Personally, this is something I will aspire to do.

Be passionate.  Feed your soul.  Learn from others.  Be open to all opportunities.  And, no matter what happens in life, have faith that there is a way forward.

So with cobwebs remaining successfully out, my cousin returns home to the sounds of the big city, the office she has learned to fill and a desire to keep in her heart those she met and those she loves.

If you have had an adventure that has changed your life, write and let us know.  I’d love to write an article about it.

 

Things You Say or Don’t Say

Say or Don't say

Things You Say or Don’t Say Digitally

First a few confessions … I scroll and “like” posts more than anything else.  And often there is a congrats written here and there.  If there is time, I’ll write a quick comment.  However, there are many things you say or don’t say.

There is one person who I always comment on his posts.  I don’t know if he gets me or I get him.  Or, maybe we both have the same sense of humor.  I feel no matter what I write, there is no risk.

Things I Have to Bite My Fingers About

I find many times people write things that are very personal and sometimes even sad.  Expressing a loss is definitely one of them.

As for all posts, the wording is the thing that makes me have to bite my fingers versus write what I’m thinking.

I’ll use an example from the person who I can write anything on his posts.

He had a picture that showed a person trying to stuff a full size mattress into the backseat of a compact car.  The caption read something such as, “This isn’t going to work,”  My response was … maybe this person is a magician and the picture was caught before he said abracadabra.

Now imagine this quality of comment on the type of posts I discuss above.  Not good, really not good.

Even worse on Pinterest or Instagram, I think these type of things and am upset that even there I can’t or shouldn’t write them.

The Passive Aggressives

Many people write things directed at someone, but don’t use names or describe specific incidences.  These are the people I am most jealous of.

As I wrote this, I thought … hmm … is writing about passive aggressives, passive aggressive? Probably.

The reason I am jealous of these people is because there are a short list of people that I would like to indirectly direct things toward.  Some aren’t even in my online sphere.  However, I still would enjoy doing it.

It’s wrong.  I know, but just once I’d like to let people know, I know what they think I don’t know, and how I feel about it.  Indirectly of course.

Admire Those Who Share Their Heart

Whether they are open about it or not, everyone has a struggle.

Some people are very comfortable sharing their journey.  The support they receive from friends and family are heart-warming.  People truly care about them.  When you are facing something that has broken your spirit or health, it’s wonderful that the support is available.

I always try to write something inspirational but unique.  If you’re going to do it, do it to the best of your ability.

Some people have even confronted issues that I have.  These are the ones I respond to with some depth but still somewhat generic.  One of my situations has resolved itself, but when someone wrote about it, I gave my support.

And, it was good to know that I wasn’t the only one.  Sometimes life throws you a huge curveball and swinging at it makes it worse.  I wrote to her privately and thanked her for making me feel as if I wasn’t alone and what I read on the topic.  We both felt better.

My parents told me never to bother anyone with our troubles.  It seems I apply this to my online behavior.

People Who Write Things That Are Phony

Not sure how to write this.  So there is going to be a lot of subtext in this one.

There are people who knowingly make bad choices; that if known, would hurt other people.   However, they write posts that brag or praise the people they are doing wrong.   Good people shouldn’t be publically and hypocritically praised when actions and words don’t align.  

If I was in that situation, I just wouldn’t write anything.  (Unless the wording struck me funny.)

This is a hard one though.  It’s a cover-up, but at the same time, an insult.  

Since we were raised not to cause others harm, I  keep the info to myself.

However, years ago, I was at a party and told the story how I told a ‘best friend’ her BF was cheating on her.  She stopped talking to me for 6 years.

A person there said she wished her good friends told her what they knew that impacted her life.  That’s what I would like too.

See tough one.

The Politian or Activist

The thing I love about the Politicians and Activists is they say they are open to others ideas but they aren’t.  OK some are … but only 10% are actually open and want to educate.

During the past year-and-a-half of world events, people have actually left social media to avoid conflict.  Of course they announced their departure and note why and indirectly implywho put them over the edge.  Then three days later they are back on (in most cases).

I never comment on these.  Well that’s not 100% true.  There was a political conversation going on where people were assertive on all sides.  So I posted an idea in the middle of both.   And someone challenged me.  So I reworded my post.

This man told me to take a side or leave the stream.  He felt there was no middle.  His post to me started with a rainbow and unicorn emoji.  So I left the conversation.

And, FYI, there is always a middle.

In most instances people are saying the same thing on 90% of a conversation. If you can acknowledge that, you can work through the rest.

That sounds like something that would get me kicked out of another conversation.  But since I like the rainbow emoji, I’m ok with it.

Some of the  Bigger Things You Say or Don’t Say

Sharing or showing pictures of horrors.  

Picture this … You wake up in a great mood.  You scroll to see what’s new with your friends.  Oh look someone’s daughter had her baby.  Wow, the group I’m in has a hilarious post, etc.  Then, boom, there is a post with an image of a child or animal harmed.  Come on .. this is a refuge.

I do not comment on these and scroll past as quickly as possible.

I know we shouldn’t pretend the horrors of the world exist, but shock when I’m barely awake isn’t the way to help me engage.

The Infirmed

In the same vein as this, are the people who daily tell you about the sad journey of their sick child.  They have thousands of followers.  Some really get me and I do follow them.  These are usually ones where you can see all dimensions of the child and family. Authenticity always works on me.

However, the ones that only post visuals of the child in unfortunate moments, I can’t do that.  I know it’s sad, but it bothers me too much.  There’s a line between empathy and constant distress.  I know these families are desperate for help and support.   And they aren’t PR experts, but one of the mom’s who have figured out the secret should teach the others.

More  Bigger Things You Say or Don’t Say

Fundraisers

Then there are the fundraisers.  I want to give to everyone.  There are all kinds of these.  The ones I see are:  I’m walking, riding, running or hiking for a cause.  Someone is sick.  Give to this charity.  Give to this GoFund Me.

The new ones that really makes me feel guilty are the ones that say .. instead of wishing me Happy Birthday, please give to this charity in my name.  They set a monetary goal.  And, they have a ticker showing the money goal, what has been given and by who.

With this one you feel cheap, like a bad friend, someone who is a non-supporter of a worthy charity or a big ole loser.

On top of that, you don’t know what to do.  Should I still post Happy Birthday?  Or scroll passed as if you are whistling without noticing.

Adv to Donate to a Large Charity  

As you look at each of these, you see tons of people donating.

How much money to charitable efforts are you supposed to support?  Even thinking of this makes me feel guilty.

As an aside, one of the best charity commercials out there right now is the one for Shriners’ Hospital.   It shows kids with challenges being normal kids with the addition of striving for health.

Perfect mix of visual, humanity, relevance and determination.  Please give. 🙂

When People Read My Blog

Whether a post, comment, share or blog, the goal is for people to read it and it’s an invitation to react to it.

This blog has 79 followers.  99% are my friends.  A few times I had posts that had a ton of readers (like 10K but I don’t want to brag).  However, most are seen only by my friends.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to an acquaintance outside my everyday world. During the conversation, she said she read my blog.  It never occurred to me that someone who wasn’t an absolute stranger or close friend would read this thing.

I was flabbergasted.  So I asked, “well did you like it?”  Then even greater  shock.  She said yes.

Once I heard this, I stopped writing for a couple weeks.  Lol.  Totally counter intuitive.

I think this was actually passive aggressive.  So I got one in.

What I Should Stick To

I probably should stick to Pinterest.  You express yourself by the images you select.  No real temptation to give inappropriate or smart comments.

As for Instagram, I never post images in real-time.  I also appreciate the opportunity to love or pass.  I only comment succinctly here.

Twitter I’m a follower more than tweeter.  However I did recently tweet about American Idol.  Don’t know what came over me.

Flickr and Tumblr I post to for sport.  Same for Reddit and Ezine.

Really my biggest challenge is behaving on Facebook.  That’s where restraint is most needed.

So in my attempt to review the Things You Say or Don’t Say digitally, I realized I finally took the passive aggressive route I tried so hard to avoid.  Eeks?

In addition, I am shier than I thought, have more opinions than are necessary, and still will have to bite my fingers when people word things in a way that triggers my wise tendencies.

Please join me in a passive aggressive moment and tell me what you feel about the different ways to act online.

Volunteering – Good People Doing Good Things

People Doing Good Things

Volunteering – Good People Doing Good Things

Over the years, I have been involved in all kinds of volunteer work.  Some as simple as spending a day cleaning a park to being on the board of charities.  I have also been the beneficiary of charities as it relates to my family … such as the Association for the Blind.   The last few days I became involved in a new Non-profit.  It’s just organizing.  And, all I can say is there are a lot of good people doing good things.

In this particular group, there are people from all age groups, all backgrounds with all ideas and commitment to make this effort successful.

Wow!

This got me thinking about all the people out there willing to give their time, thinking, network and hands to get it done.

How People Do This

I bet there is not a person reading this who hasn’t volunteered or helped someone in need.

Some activities are organized, but so many acts of kindness are not.

Despite all the news around to the contrary, good things are happening.

One Before the Many

In my home town, they are trying to organize a group with the goal of brining the next generation into a world that celebrates tradition.  A preservation of culture.

Living four hours away, I was on the phone listening and learning.

After the first meeting, within days:

  • The group had secured a 503(b) designation
  • Created a mission
  • Spoke to the city to take over an abandoned property
  • Focus on the first project
  • Went to another event and started recruiting
  • Already have some donations

That’s a lot, right?

I think the energy of this group is going to make it successful.

Mistakes I’ve Made

When I was starting up my start-up, I built the technology, rented office space and hired staff.

Mistake, Mistake, kinda Mistake.

The first rule of thumb when starting a new business  (as I learned the hard way) is to not invest in real estate (buy or rent) until you have revenue coming in.  Barter for talent; and, if possible, secure some kind of Angel funding.

That last one is more involved than I ever imagined.

So as I’m on the phone listening, I realize that every place in the world is different.  You’d think someone who has worked in marketing for so long would know that.

But, for me, it was a shock.

Since we are talking about shock, let me go with it a little farther.  The group of people in this meeting were people I went to school with.  Some as young as kindergarten.  And, many through High School and some were even friends of my dad’s.

How is it that the kid whose mother used to call him home like the woman from the Prince spaghetti commercial, could be so polished, accomplished and full of energy?

What about the kid who skipped school so much, the truant officer would sit and have coffee with his mom.  How is he the best fundraiser around?

And, not to mention the man near my dad’s age with an Italian accent who researched how a similar organization in Rochester built their organization and member-base?  And now he was going to do it for this group as well as recruit his peers as members for the organization.

Impressive, Right?

Volunteering with this group has taught me two things:

  1. Everyone grows up (who knew I was kinda a Peter Pan?)
  2. Text books and people from Harvard don’t know as much as you think.

And a bell just went off in my head … when I was looking for funding for my company, an Angel investor group in California was interested in the technology.  They told me I should get seed money from New England.  That it would be too hard for them to help from a far.

Duh … because no one knows their market like the people in them.

This is true with my amazing friends from Upstate NY.

The World of Volunteering has Changed

This excerpt is from a 2014 Newsweek article (a little old, but still shows a trend)

“Last year (2013 in this article)the volunteer rate was 25.4 percent, or 62.6 million people, compared with 29 percent of the population in 2003, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. (Official statistics on volunteer rates go back only to 2002.) The BLS counts volunteering as any unpaid volunteer work done in the past 12 months, from driving a neighbor to the hospital to serving meals to the homeless or tutoring inner-city kids. The most common volunteering activity in the nation is fund-raising, followed by food distribution and then general labor.

The total hours volunteered varies widely in different parts of the country. Utah tops the charts both for the number of volunteers relative to its population and the hours spent volunteering—more than 78 hours annually on average for all Utahans. It’s likely that the Mormon Church’s strong emphasis on volunteer work has a lot to do with Utah’s rates.

At the other end of the spectrum is Arkansas, where citizens on average volunteer only a third as much time as Utah residents. The reasons for regional discrepancies can’t be boiled down to a single explanation, but in general volunteering is more prevalent in the Midwest than in other regions. One factor that seems to influence volunteer rates is financial stress. Single-parent households and families where both parents work full time or hold multiple jobs have little extra time for volunteering.”

I don’t know how they calculate that.  My only guess is they surveyed people across the country and this is what they found.

Volunteering Can’t be Lost

So volunteerism is reducing.  In my little microcosm, that’s not true.

I see small acts of kindness more and more.

Again going back to Upstate NY, I’m aware of four fundraisers for families in need.  Each one raised $25,000 or more.  Yes!  That much.

I worked on several fundraisers in New England.  A couple were auctions with crazy good gifts and organization took almost a year.  They didn’t earn as much.

These efforts were organized over coffee and care for the people who was in a challenging situation.

Pay it Forward

If you have the chance to help someone, do it.   If you want to write checks to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital or the Shriners (two of my favs) don’t set that aside.

Do it close to home because you will really make an impact.

And, never, ever, think that people don’t grow up, find their talents and have incredible good in them…even if you think of Prince spaghetti every time you see them.

One Last Thing

You’ll be surprised how a small act can make someone’s day.  

My dad had a little address book he also kept notes in it.  Everyday, he’d sit in his chair, go through the book and make some calls.  We never thought anything of it.

When my dad passed, we were in the receiving line.  And everyone shared a quick thing about my dad.  Several people told us that every year on their birthday, my dad would call them.  Sometimes it was the only birthday wish they received.  That it is something they will always remember and will miss.

We never knew that’s what he was doing.  That small call made people feel so much.

After reading this … go do something nice.  Make a call to someone you haven’t chatted with in a while.  Pickup something that fell off the shelf in the market.  Volunteer.  Just keep the good going.

Please tell us what you think the world needs more of or an act of kindness you saw that gave you a warm feeling.

Words We Need to Talk Scares Men

Words We Need to Talk Scares Men

One of the things I learned years ago is that the minute you say, “we need to talk” to a man, they run, avoid, need to go buy butter or call their mom.  The thing I still don’t know is why using these four (4) words are so frightening.

I asked Chip.  He said, “I just don’t want to get in trouble.”  Really?! Trouble?

Now the times I’ve wanted to say, “we need to talk” it’s been to slow down for a sec and figure out weekend plans.  Or, to ask what we should buy for a wedding gift.  Also, things about paper rolls (which should go over the top not bottom).

If I need to actually say something important, I wait for an opportunity and gently ask or say what’s on my mind.  That’s not scary.

What the Research Shows

Apparently, there is something called a negative activity bias.  Whether at work or at home, these words create anxiety.  So, bad experiences weigh heavier on us than neutral or good ones.

To overcome the bad feeling, someone needs to have affirmations ten or more times in the week the anxious experience happens .

However, the worst of all is someone saying, “we need to talk,” and they don’t do it right away.  They say let’s meet tomorrow at 5; or next week, etc.

This makes people, even the non-neurotic, think out of control thoughts trying to figure out what it is.

One story I heard was that someone’s boss said, “let’s grab lunch next week, we need to talk.”

After days of anxiety wondering what it could be, the day of lunch came.  The person was near sweating waiting for the expected bad news.

But, it wasn’t bad at all.   His boss just wanted to get to know him a bit and hear his ideas about a project coming up soon.

All that energy and sleep wasted on these four little words.

Can You Guess What the Answer is for Relief?

Talking, yup, talking relieves the anxiety of “we need to talk.”

If you simply ask, “hey what do you want to talk about?”, people will give you a genuine answer.  Phew-done.

In fact, some even say, the way to relieve this even more so and sway things in your way … talking the power back.

Simply allow the other person to see you vulnerable.  By saying, “Wow, I couldn’t imagine what it could be.  My heart skipped a beat.”

Most people are disarmed by this approach and deal with the topic in a very amicable way.

Just like your mom said, “Always be honest.

Is it The Same Experience in Txt?

Sorry, no.  In text, people feel very empowered.  Also, the lack of seeing body language and seeing someone’s face, you have no idea of context.  That heightens the uncertainty.   This is more disconcerting than phone. but using the phrase on the phone is still pretty nerve-racking.

Are There Other Ways to Get a Real Conversation Going

Being in proximity to someone and even working side by side, somehow lessens the stress of important conversations.   Activities  such as gardening (something I’m horrible at), cleaning the garage, or painting a room, has you multi-tasking and avoiding eye contact, but intimacy exists.

Doing these small tasks together opens the door for conversation.

Your mind is occupied using one part of your brain for determining how to complete the task; another is focusing on accessing the central nervous system physically completing the task; and allowing you to have a calmness to create an environment where guards are down and but the mind is not strenuously being used.

This is true of me for sure.  If we are on a long drive, looking forward, we talk like there’s no tomorrow.  We cover everything … meaningful conversations, relationship questions, things from our past, how the funniest things happen in my family.  

Same with cuddling (love to snuggle), being in Chip’s embrace, all cozy, and everything is fair game.

Some Ideas and News For Men When You Hear “We Need to Talk”

  1. Buying time to get your thoughts together but quickly saying something positive about your spouse for a second can help you catch your breath and lessen the stress for both of you.
  2. Don’t run away though, because that could escalate things (unless someone is crazy mad … then run).
  3. If you think there is a problem, work with her to come up with a solution.
  4. If it’s not a good time, say it, but give an alternative time to talk.  If you had a hard day and need to let the day roll of you.  It’s ok.  Most will understand.  As long as you follow through with talking another specified time.  This will also build trust.
  5. You can also just give in and listen.  Listen to the whole thing and nod.  Most women want to vent more than fight.  Listening is a great skill to have.
  6. I have a better idea … scoop her up and take her somewhere else,  Don’t know why, but I don’t want to be descriptive here.  You know what I mean.
  7. Keep the conversation or need for one to yourself.  Sharing it with friends, family or co-workers is disrespectful and when you make up, people will be bewildered and your spouse could be hurt.  Not cool.

Don’t Fear

Every couple whether friends, spouses, co-workers or family, need to find there own way to communicate.

My advice is never raise your voice and put yourself in the other person’s shoes before talking.  The bigger the issue the more you need to considerately think it through.

If you care about someone, you want to have a good outcome.

With us, once we get things out we end up laughing.

My Take on All This

If you need to talk, it doesn’t need to be announced.  Just do it.

Let us know you’ve ever said, “we need to talk” and what’s happened.

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